Thursday, December 29, 2005


They're all lies, i keep telling myself...

i am a loser
i am an outright loser
i have no value
nobody wants me
and even if they do, they have no reason to keep me around
no matter what i do, i will never excel
anybody who says they like me is just giving me token-appreciation to be nice

...they're all lies i know....but it's hard to keep thoughts from running through your head again and again.

i am an idiot
i am a loser
i will never amount to anything

Have you ever noticed the pressure to be perfect? pressure from family. pressure from employers. pressure from friends. pressure from your ego. pressure from all sides to be some idolistic standard of if anything less than perfection were less than standard.

it seems like the only thing the world wants are people with something new. some breakthrough approach to solving problems. some new scheme to make it all work. some grand stroke of brilliance that heretofore noone has ever even conceived of the thought thereof.

the impression out there is that anyone/anything normal is just like gravel: worthless even to be driven over. i've always believed that one does not have to be the absolute best to succeed. you just have to be better than the average. have a little more passion in your efforts. "take pride in your work," mike would always say.

so where does that leave me? where does that leave us?

i wont deny the existence of the occasional Einstein; the legacy of our Ronald Reagans.

but if i don't have a doctorate in nuclear biology, does that mean that i can't excel in my own little corner?

someone please tell me that there is a way to be simple and succeed. a way to be myself and have a future. a way to do my best and have it be appreciated.

i'm not talking about being mediocre. i'm just saying that if i'm busting my butt to get the job done...then please, either train me how it should be done, give me the resources to do it, or recognize that more time may be needed. don't just give me an ultimatum. you can't just look at the chart and compare my performance with six year veterans. noone in their right mind would take that...and i'm sane.

believe me, i'll give you my best. i'll make the effort. heck, i'll even drug it up so that i'm for real giving 150%. and if that isn't good enough...

...tomorrow will tell.

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