Alive?

::mood::giving up
::music::All I Need, Charlie Hall

Tonight I found myself standing up during church service and singing along with the music. Nothing unusual. A liittle bit different perhaps. Before Sunday was visiting, leading worship.

But as I sang along, I couldn't help but realize how much I couldn't mean the words I was singing.

We have all we need in You
And all we need is You
All we need is You

Sure, I could mean them in the sense that I know that they're correct. I know it's right that Jesus has got everything I really need. But the next verse was a bugger:

Rich or poor God I want You more
Than anything that glitters in this world
Be my all, all consuming fire

"How", I asked myself, "can you just stand there and say that? How? when deep down inside you don't mean it. Quit fooling yourself. You don't really mean it cause you're not really living it. It just doesn't add up."

Words rang out in my head that I'd been saying just the night before,

"There, they are so dead." I'd neatly planted my soapbox, and then deftly mounted it in all my vain glory. "There's just no life there. No creativity. No new evidence of a walk with God. I can't be a part of that."

But the indictment rang out even louder,

"You hypocrite. You big FAT hypocrite. How are you in even one small way different from the cricitism you threw out just hours ago? What small evidence shows through in how you live your life to show your vibrant friendship with Jesus? Remember Katie? and Jon? and Derrell? Those people you so loved to be around; you loved them because they were ALIVE. They had something to live for! They lived every day in excitement of a truly fresh walk with their Saviour. They were in love with Jesus."

And I stood there. Just mumbling now. Trying not to look stupid. Still focused more on what people around me thought than on the debate going on inside my head. The debate where my conscience, powered by the Spirit of God, was making the point to my head, my intellect and fleshly instincts, that something's drastically wrong.

You can have all my hands can hold
My heart, mind, strength and soul
Be my all, all consuming fire

Yeah, right. Even if I wanted to mean that, I don't think I could. Pretty much, I think the only thing open to me right now is to give up. Give up trying. Just take a baby step in the right direction. And hope that eventually, I'll get back on track. Like I wrote on my prayer request paper this morning during sunday school, I'm just praying that in this next week God will forgive me, alot; motivate me, alot; and bless me, alot.

'Cause, God knows, I need it. I need Him. I wanna be alive.