Friday, December 09, 2005

I Am Santa Claus

November 8th saw me starting work at the great United Parcel Service.

when i mentioned this to my friends and acquaintances, the reactions i received were many and varied, but prevailed along these lines:

"hehe...chuckle-chuckle...LOL...i can just see you...wearing the brown uniform!"


"chuckle, chuckle"

"more laughing out loud"

To which, i (1) adamantly proclaimed my heterosexuality, (2) setting them straight that the job i perform during the mornings there does not require the uniform since it does not involve outside-the-company contact, and (3) swearing to never in my willing, peaceful existence on this earth to don the hideous costume.

That was then...


yes, that's me... in. that. gay. brown. UPS. uniform. i'm. even. wearing. the. hat. (actually, it's quite sexy!)

so...FIMS*...ECS*... ECS*...EMOWS*...ILTTOSLS*...HTDEWISIWNTDIMLS* it what you will, i now suffer from it. I promised myself and others, and have now reverted on that promise. oh, well, what can i say? a 50 hr work week speaks for itself...

the putting on of the uniform itself is an amazing thing. forget bi-polarity. it is an identity in itself. one does not have to adopt a new personality. they do not have to try to make a different impression. nothing personal is involved, yet at once it is the changing, the transformation, if you will, into a different person altogether! all of a sudden, I Am The UPS Guy.

we agreed the other day that Santa is an amazing myth, guarded and perpetuated by parents everywhere, yet not entirely real.

that not being the point.

the presents are still under the tree! the cookies are still eaten (wait a minute, how did i miss out on that one!), and i get to be the one delivering all these great packages that bring a smile to every person who recieves one. running around to millions of homes...ok, thousands.....ok, ok, maybe it's just hundreds of homes, jumping down chimneys, i mean, ringing doorbells, and delivering everything from the louisville slugger to the new laptop. i do the work of the modern day Santa. since he died years ago, i get to fill his shoes!

News Flash: Santa Wears Brown!

I Am Santa Claus!

*Foot In Mouth Syndrome
**Eating Crow Syndrome
***Eating Crap Syndrome
****Eating My Own Words Syndrome
*****I Like The Taste Of Shoe Leather Syndrome
******Having To Do Exactly What I Swore I Would Never Do In My Life Syndrome


Anonymous said...

dude.. ur hott in that... that.. thing. I LOVE IT...

TulipGirl said...

"(actually, it's quite sexy!)"

Now, if UPS adopted kilts as part of its uniforms--that would be the ultimate in sexy guy wear.

Lesley Girl said...

ok so, I'll admit it, that is not what i thought you were going to look like in the brown uniform, because i pictured it with shorts. (SNICKER)
but no really john, ididn't know that was you i am i knew it was but i has to look closer.
later your sis...
so how about that phone call?

Leonie said...

hey, hey!
wow! the uniforms we have here are way different. :D
they have stripes and stuff...
how's everything going? haven't heard from you in a while...
well i started a blog thingie now.
you should check it out soometime :)

IDigAK said...

hmmmm...interesting...yeah, here, they're pretty boring. pretty much just brown. i even have a brown pen, that writes that FedEX!