Autoprocrastination

::mood:: trying to turn procrastination into self-motivation
::music:: the senior-high girls choir singing Carol of the Bells


Do you ever come across something that seems to be self-procrastinating?

I do.

You know what I’m talking about? It’s one of those things that you know you have to do, but you just can’t seem to bring yourself to do it? Forget about getting it done, I’m talking about simply starting it!

Some things are sitting there waiting for you to do them, yet their only intimidation factor is that they need broken down. You just have to take small bites and take one step at a time to accomplish it. Getting started is just a matter of doing the first thing.

But that’s not what I’m talking about.

I mean to say that I’m facing something that I’ve known I needed to do for a long time. it’s been staring me in the face. I’ve known the deadline associated with it and I know exactly what it is I have to do.

“Where is your dilemma, then?” You say…

It simply is the doing of it that I find difficult…not in a technical way. It can’t be broken down. Cannot be defined on a master task list. Cannot be quantified. The results are 200% unknown. Ethereal. Elusive. In a word…impossible.

How do I get it done? It has eluded me long enough. I’ve pondered it for enough time. Procrastination is no longer an option. Perhaps I just try? perhaps I just fail? perhaps I just wad it up and throw it in the trash a time or two? perhaps the key is to just step outside myself and just look at what exactly I’m trying to accomplish.

In the larger scheme of things, it’s not that big of a deal, I’m sure. But right now it is. No one may ever know how I agonized. My efforts may forever go unrecognized. Not that I feel a need to be recognized in the fulfillment of this deed. I simply want to do it right. And doing it right means that no one ever notices.

No one ever cares.

I only ask that I be left alone. Untouched. Solitude is the stuff my life is made of. And if only I could find some, maybe I could get it started.

it = this project

it = also equals my life

Is that what it’s come to? I’m now looking at this that lays before me as a task? a project? If that is truly how I am now perceiving it, I have sunk below the level of humanity and abandoned the arts by which I believe life is governed.

The ethereal quality must remain intact. The execution of my destiny calls for perfection. And that perfection requires the art of an orchestra improvising as one. Yet that perfection have not I.

It honestly must be “through the exertion of the power that He has”.