Alone?

::mood:: uncertain
::music:: I Think We're Alone Now, from the album Tiffany - Greatest Hits by Tiffany



thinking is a past-time of mine. i just love to mull over life and what's happening in it. and think about it. look at new angles. invent new perspectives. take into account things that i know and how they play into the situations that i do or may find myself in.

but i'm not a good thinker. at least not very fast. maybe that's just part of thinking. it isn't instant. it takes time.

which i have a lot of at work. my hands and feet keep plenty busy. but i've gobs of time to think. all the time in the world to sift through thoughts new and old.

lots of times i'll come up with good ideas. sometimes i'll dwell on not-so-good ones. sometimes i'll be analyzing my life as it is right now and making decisions. sometimes i'll hypothesize and create imaginary scenarios to excercise my mind and see what i would do in a given situation. sometimes i think about how mad i am. sometimes it's just nice to think about how grateful i am for how easy i have it.

sometimes i really don't think at all. just a blank slate.

but not so much recently. i've had plenty of fodder for debate. argument with myself about stuff that's been happening.

but that's all. just debate. and argument. and analyzation. and research. i haven't come to many conclusions. at least not definitive ones. definitely no decisions.

one of the thoughts that occurred to me recently, though, was how much time i devote to thinking. and writing those thoughts down. and how worthless that really is. how stupid and school-girl-ish it is. how high-school-diary-ish it is.

i thought to myself that writing just takes too much effort. requires too much originial creativity and pains-taking effort to reduce thoughts to words. and senteneces. logical thoughts.

i mean, what's the point of it anyway? it's not like it makes a difference. for me or anyone else.

as much as i love it. it's not living in the real world.

it's just a cop-out.

seriously! how lame is it to sit down and relate thoughts, ideas, opinions, and convictions to an inanimate computer screen? you can take your time. say what you want. be 'yourself', whoever yourself is. and if you say something you don't mean, you can go back and change it! no offense taken. no points wrongly inferred.

it's just hard to do that to a persons face. i'm not that good at one-on-one interaction. it's hard for me to speak what i mean. especially if i'm in a nervous situation. or don't know the person i'm speaking to well enough to know how they're taking it. or if they really know what i'm trying to say.

i think i love interaction. i want to be good at it. but i know i'm not. and that makes me hate it.

besides what's the point of intercourse if it's just me delivering my thoughts? that's not interaction...that sabatoge. monologuing. verbal domination. you get no feed back or challenge to your ideas.

which is why it's so much easier to write. i can say what i think with noone to challenge it. i feel like i'm ok. and smart to be able to put it into words that make sense. at least to me. maybe not to anyone else.

so, in effort to get myself back to the real world, i made an unofficial pact with myself: no more detailed thinking and writing.

just get out there and live, dude! forget this fairy-tale world of text. flesh and blood is where it's at. you're not doing any good by hiding out in here. so, go make a life for yourself...for real!

then i got in my car to head home. i turned my stereo on to listen to Tiffany singing i think we're alone now. everything seemed better in that moment. i didn't want it to end. i felt like i didn't have to worry about making decisions. or think about how those decisions would affect others. or even how they would affect me. it made me relieved and happy.

i think i want to be alone with myself now. i think that i'd be fine by myself. just left to my thinking. and writing. knowing me. and what i think. instead of having to think about what everyone else thinks too.

i don't want to meet anyone new. i don't want to put effort into getting to know a single new person. i don't want to open up to that vulnerability. i think that i'd be fine with just my thoughts. and maybe reading some other thoughts. as long as i was free to take them or leave them.

i don't even care about comments any more. or hit counters. i really just write for me. cause it's my mirror. it reflects the inner workings of my heart and mind and emotions. somehow these things flow out through my fingers and when i read them back in through my eyes i can see better.

yeah, it takes lots of time. and seems like wasted effort. until i quit. then i realize why i do it. and i have to start all over again.

but it's me. and i love me just the way i am. i really don't want to change. i actually hate it. change, that is.

so i think that i'll just keep thinking...and living...and maybe one day, loving...